I Am Taken Care Of

 Dear Mom,

This has been another hard week. It’s starting to feel like every week might be difficult at this rate. I know it won’t always be like this, don't worry. I will be okay and I will not lose sight of that. I thought that I was doing pretty well for the circumstances thrown my way, but it will take time. I need to take that time to myself. This week I’ve realized that you cannot rush grieving. Especially grieving the death of someone so close to you. My friend Alyssa really helped me realize this. I did not grasp how much of my energy I’ve been giving to everything except grieving. I’ve been focused on my six classes, my four group projects, my internship, my digital marketing position, my sorority, my relationship, my friendships, and everything other than me.

I’ve started having nightmares and I’ve lost the ability to sleep for more than two hours at a time. It’s exhausting and I constantly feel drained. I’ve started feeling guilty for the days life feels normal without your presence and regretful for not doing everything I could have done in the past. I wasn’t with you for your last birthday and that is something that will stick with me. I didn’t make it to the hospital in time to say goodbye. I couldn’t be in the ambulance with you because of Covid. I couldn’t even visit you in the hospital for the 11 days you were dying alone. I know I can’t change a pandemic or the timing of your stroke but I wish things could have been different. You deserved more than that mom and I am truly sorry I couldn’t give that to you.

I know I can’t control everything in my life and that’s something I am working on. I have such a great support system surrounding me at all times. My friends have been there for me every step of the way facetiming me, texting me, mailing cards, sending care packages, and all. I am truly grateful for the people in my life and your passing has made me even more appreciative. Today Joey dropped off glazed donuts and came to check up on me because I was having a hard time last night. I want you to know that people are taking care of me even though I’m not taking care of myself. You left me in good care.

Missing you extra,

Lacey




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